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Just on the other side of each wall someone needs me. Or ignores me. Or just wants me to share space. I sit with my laptop for so long that my legs are on fire. I search. I hope. I search some more. I long to find something that will make the ache stop. The sadness flee. The bird sing. Maybe this class. Maybe that book. Maybe I need a trip. Maybe I need, I need, I need. Maybe I need to drop the weight… of past mistakes, hurts and disappointment that I carry as if it’s my job.

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That tends to happen when you judge every move you make. When others disappoint you. When YOU disappoint you. When you have expectations, (better described as premeditated resentments), and demand others to meet them. Why do we think others can hit a mark that we ourselves miss? Something dies or mutates when we get caught in the judgment instead of the tolerance, the perfection instead of the progress, the durge instead of the joy of the journey.

Offering tolerance, acknowledging progress and embracing joy are some integral ingredients of this yummy recipe called LIFE. Just like your favorite concoction, these ingredients help us bind to one another, rise to the occasion, enjoy the sweetness of each moment and form us into the amazing Rowdy that each one of us really wants to be. But if we substitute judgment, impatience, intolerance, criticism and perfection in the recipe, all we can hope to get is a bitter hockey puck right to the kisser!

I know this to be true. As a single mom of six, I lived in a cage of my own making. It was decorated really nice on the outside. But inside, the walls were papered with divorce, bankruptcy, guilt, shame, overwhelm, overeating, over-caring, over-solving, over-relating and equating. And as I ran around and around, desperately trying to get away from all the things WRONG with my life and never running FAST enough to get it all done (laundry and dirty dishes must reproduce when you turn the lights out, just sayin’), I didn’t even notice that with each lap, I was running right past the key to my liberation. An open door was available all the while. I just had to grasp the key that was left for me. And now that I have, I will never lock myself away again.

You may wonder what the key looks like. You may have heard the

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use it if you do find it. And actually, no one can say. It’s your story to write. Your journey to take. Your liberation to tell. But I can guarantee this, once you hold it in your hand, you will never be the same. And the day will come. You will use it to unlock the cage you have been so afraid to step out of. You will feel the wind in your hair and the sound of freedom will lift you up and a smile will spread over your whole body the day you feel the weight of that one key in your hand.

I think one reason we hesitate to wield the key to our own freedom is because in so doing, we will somehow dishonor the past. Somehow it will all be for naught. Somehow we will be proclaiming it was a waste and we are a failure. How can we leave something we have toiled over and tried to create? How can we abandon our own self and our story? And therein lies the beauty of this one key. Nothing has gone wrong here! It all counts. Every step had a purpose if for nothing else than to accentuate that this is not the step for you in this NEW moment. Every choice had meaning because it gave life to NEW choices. Every relationship gave you a mirror to see yourself and who you really are. Every job gave you a chance to get to know your

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Nothing’s gone wrong here. What a relief.

 

2 replies to this post
  1. I really love the idea of expectations as premeditated resentment. What a different perspective and it makes me think about so many things in my life. Thank you!

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